Ask for what you want; state what you need [column]

DEAR AUNTIE
By J’net AyAy Qwa Yak Sheelth Cavanagh

Dear Auntie:
I feel so guilty for thinking this. My children are taking advantage of me. They only call when they need something, and when they drop off my grandchildren for me to take care of they sometimes disappear for days. I think, ‘well, the grandchildren are better off with me than at a party where they could be hurt,’ but it makes me feel small, like I have no other value. When I’m not needed, I’m completely forgotten. Any advice?
Signed,
I Feel So Sad

Dear I Feel So Sad:
Thanks for taking the risk and being honest with your feelings. I am glad you feel safe to ask the question and raise your misgivings about how unfairly you feel you are being taken advantage of. The bigger risk is having the grown up conversation about this with your kids and not losing out on time with your grandchildren. Being across the country from my family, I admire that you have time with your grandchildren and that you know they are safe.
One approach would be like diving into the deep end of the pool and sit the kids down to address outstanding family tension that can go as far back as childhood.

Another more practical approach is to wade in the shallow end and have a conversation to bargain with your kids on what future visits with your grandchildren will look like.

One idea might be to make a coffee date with a close friend and decide on what limits you need to create to make more than just visits to convenience your kids going to parties. It is useful to take notes to review later. Finish the following sentence two to four times to get your ideas going. “Taking care of your kids I expect you to…”

Some examples might be:
Taking care of your kids I expect you to let me know when you are coming back to pick them up.

Taking care of your kids I expect you to join me for dinner or invite me over from time to time when I can enjoy the grandchildren when I am not responsible for them.

You are challenging both yourself and your kids to act like adults and be clear about what you need. The difference between complaining and communicating is the latter requires you to state what you need after explaining what is bothering you.

You will also know you are communicating effectively if you have your kids explain what they understand the new limits are and be sure to ask directly if they can agree. You may find it helpful to either write it out or just share a practice conversation with a close friend.
Give yourself what I like to call a bottom line statement you can always come back to that will bring the conversation back to your message. For example:
I need you to understand my limits to make time with my grandchildren more enjoyable.

I am happy to have time with my grandchildren and I need you to understand I also value time with you.
I hope this is helpful, and good luck. Mothering our children is a job that is never done.

Lovingly, Auntie