The decision to make a claim is deeply personal [column]

DEAR AUNTIE

Dear Auntie:
The deadline for the Common Experience Payment is almost here. For the past year I’ve been trying to get my dad to apply. He spent a lot of time in residential school, and he should get the money that is owing to him. But he refuses to take part. He said he doesn’t want anything to do with it, and he won’t talk about that time of his life. He just waves his hand at me and walks away. That money could do a lot for him and his whole family. What can I say to convince him to make the right choice for all of us.

Yours truly,
Shaking my head

Dear Shaking my head:
This is a very personal topic for many who have already applied for this payment and those who have not. While some put their money in secure accounts, others catch up on bills and even plan major trips with children and grandchildren.

For some, personal or family addictions dominated until the money was gone. One of my close relatives fell off the wagon after years of sobriety. All the money and the Prime Minister’s apology happened around the same time and she was overwhelmed and responded badly.

Another friend said her dad wasn’t going to make a claim but later decided to anyway. My friend was saddened to see how triggered and tender her dad has been since memories (40 to 50 years old) began to flood back.

In my entire counseling career, I have come to value not “shoulding” on people. I’m not in the habit of telling anyone what they should or should not do. There is a righteous-judgmentalism to telling others what they ought to do and it’s a way of setting oneself above another; something that disrespects a person’s capacity to think for themselves.

After bouncing around from foster home to foster home as a child, I was all too familiar with everyone else telling me what should happen next. Being tired of authority calling the shots could also be part of why some former residential school survivors are reluctant to take the money.

While it would be good to know this money is there for survivors and can be reinvested in the community (for bursaries, scholarships, travel funds for youth leadership, etc.) this is still fundamentally a deeply personal decision.
“Let sleeping dogs lie” comes to mind when I think of how set in their ways many of our parents and grandparents can be described. Anyone in my immediate family knows my late-grandmother always described her experience at residential school as positive.

I wrote her biography for a women’s studies class and found out that after being raised a chief’s daughter, she knew how to be obedient and this helped her survive her residential school experience. She would behave “well” while around authority, but talked her own language when they were not around.

My candles will be lit for the decisions left to be made leading to the Common Experience Payment cut-off date.
Lovingly, Auntie

Dear Auntie:
I just got a new boyfriend and my dog hates him. No matter what he does to get the dog to soften up, my puppy snarls and spits whenever my boyfriend comes around. My sister says I should smarten up. Dogs and kids know things about people, she said, and I should be paying attention. What do you think? Is it time to find somebody my dog finds more suitable for me?

Thanks
Signed
Dog gone wild

Dear Dog gone wild:
I am by no means a “pet person” and in no way an authority on raising animals. I have enough challenges, messes and hidden expenses being a mother of three. What little I do know about dogs is how their relationships are organized into a “pack” organized into a distinct hierarchy or pecking-order.

Being a puppy, your pet is sorting out who is the alpha or leader of the pack. I understand that dogs like to take the lead by sitting up high on furniture, beds and decks. Sounds like you may benefit in learning more about dog training. Not sure there are many “dog-whisperer’s” on-reserve, but you could ask around.

Going online may be helpful, visiting the library or talking with someone from the animal shelter. You may be lucky enough to have professional dog trainer in a neighboring town or city. Talking with other dog owners who raised their pet from puppies may also be helpful.
Although your sister could be joking that your dog has intuitive feelings about people, it might be good to see how your boyfriend behaves when alone with the puppy. Combine this with more research on how to train your puppy and see if attitudes all around improve.
In many relationships there is an incredible tendency to attract the opposite. It may be worthwhile to find out what your new boyfriend thinks of pets, especially dogs. Dogs are protective and territorial and reserve their unconditional love for those close inside their pack.
While you still have only a puppy claiming territory in your home/life, get more advice from the dog-owning community. There is no need to be hasty and make a choice between the dog and new boyfriend…just yet. ;-)

Lovingly, Auntie