Everything a person should know about Germany

Page 5

Germany is a complex and ancient country, one locked in tradition and memory. Its people, once tribal back in the days of the Roman empire, now bask in a culinary world of breads, sausages, and beer... actually, come to think of it, not that different from most Native communities. But within their unique Teutonic culture are contained many societal nuances and unique behavioral practices that might befuddle your average Aboriginal traveler, should they find themselves in that central European country.

As a frequent visitor to Germany, I have taken the liberty of putting together an Aboriginal tourist guide-essentially a primer or travel book for overseas Indigenous travelers (and various other cultures, should they be interested), to make their journey less stressful, and more interesting. It contains references to many personal observations and adventures I am only too willing to share about my travels along the Baltic, up and down the Rhine, across Bavaria, and the occasional foray into former East Germany. With a little advance knowledge, any trip to Germany can be fun-filled and exciting.

The first thing to know is they do not accept Canadian Tire money. No matter how hard you try. Nor do they understand, even when you say it in German, the concept of "I have a status card. I don't have to pay tax!"

Depending on your own personal preferences when it comes to drinking wine, do not be alarmed if they offer you a bottle of wine with a screw top lid. There are issues being dealt with in Germany dealing with the constant use of cork and the potential damage it is doing to the environment, i.e. the cork trees. Many have turned to plastic corks, or others merely use a twist top. However, do resist the urge to drink it out of a brown paper bag. Some etiquette rules never change.

Some small hotels do not provide soap in the bathrooms, as you are expected to bring your own. As a result, do not underestimate the body wash capabilities of shampoo, or if desperate enough, toothpaste. Your armpits will be minty fresh and cavity free.

If you are lucky enough to visit the small Bavarian town of Erlengen during the spring Asparagus Festival, and if you look hard enough, you will find a local delicacy-Asparagus Ice Cream. But don't worry. It's not the North American Green variety. It's the tasty white variety, which I'm sure will make it all the more palatable. This way you can tell your mother you ate all your vegetables.

For those who are shy by nature, try to avoid the Stuttgart train station. The public washrooms require at fee of .20 Euros to use. However, if you don't have exact change, there is a glass booth located right across from the urinals, a scant 15 feet or so, where an older, disapproving woman sits surveying her domain, watching the waterworks, and doling out change. Those who suffer from performance anxiety might seek other avenues of relief.

Oddly enough, as I exited the bathroom, she shook her head in what seemed to be pity and handed me back my .20 Euros.

Suffering from jet lag, don't be surprised if you find yourself wandering about your room at 3 a.m. wondering what to do until breakfast. Be even less surprised if, when turning the television on, you see a television show broadcasting all night, featuring nothing but female strippers. For five-and-a-half hours. Or so I was told.

If you're lucky, you might be taken for a ride in a new generation of computerized cars.

Everything is automatic, including a display screen on the dashboard featuring maps and driving co-ordinates, a compass, temperature and various other cool instrumentation. Instead of a key, you use a plastic card-like thing that just slides into a slot and the car starts automatically. Just imagine that car sitting derelict on your front lawn!

Motorcycles in Germany have taken a quantum leap ahead. There is one model driving up and down the Autobahn that is touted as eliminating the need for a crash helmet. In case of an accdent, the designers have built into the frame the equivalent of a roll bar. It is attached from the rear of the machine extending in a half-circle forward where it meets the handlebars and windshield. Not only that, the seat includes a seatbelt. Darn clever those white people.

When you see signs posted saying "ausfahrt", do not do what you think it is asking you to do. It is merely a traffic sign saying "exit."

If you want to get on the German people's good side, just wear your standard ribbon shirt, but make sure the ribbons match the German national colors-black, gold and red. Then tell them you had planned that all along, even when you bought it at a powwow on Manitoulin Island in 1989... in honor of the Berlin Wall coming down. Tell them it was your way of demonstrating solidarity with them and your heart will always be with the German people... sort of like "Polka With Wolves."

Beware of cities like Munich, where at beer garden (and there are hundreds of them in the city, some seating as many as 1,300) people suggest you have a "couple of beers" with them.

Being friendly and no stranger to beer, you order such a liquid and the waitress gives you a litre stein. Then you remember saying you were invited for a "couple of beers." Four days later you wake up in Finland trying to teach the Laplanders how to play bingo.