Faked illness may be a cry for help [column]

DEAR AUNTIE

Dear Auntie:

An acquaintance of mine is going around telling everyone she has a fatal illness. She even organized a feast to say goodbye to her friends, but the night before the event she cancelled saying she was too ill to host it. I’ve since learned that her condition is being faked. I’m so mad at this person for playing with my emotions I want to expose her in some dramatic fashion. I know that’s immature, but that’s how I feel. I just don’t know how to calm down.
Signed
Steaming Still

Dear Steaming Still:
Feeling revved-up emotions can be expected with such a betrayal of trust. However, revenge is not justice and is rarely, if ever, satisfying, especially in the case of someone who would make up such an elaborate lie.
What your friend did is, no doubt, infuriating, and other feelings like confusion, embarrassment or disbelief are normal.
In my years of working with suicide prevention, saying goodbye and/or making grand and unrealistic plans are among the warning signs that indicate people are really crying out for help. More information might reveal the underlying motive for your friend to plan such a dramatic action.
Your feelings of being manipulated bring up reasonable anger, but compare your friend’s action to suicide attempts or driving while on an alcoholic binge; one can be an implicit cry for help and the other a symptom of an addiction problem. This “fatal illness” lie is, likely, another type of self-destructive tactic to get attention.

I recommend you ask yourself what is most important in this crisis: expressing your emotions to your friend or your friend’s need for serious intervention. Would expressing your anger help in this instance, or possibly make things worse for your friend?

One way to move your hurt could be to write an unplugged letter that details all your feelings. And though it would be tempting to give the letter to your friend, it sounds like she needs professional crisis intervention. The letter is for you to get your feelings off your chest, and you could burn the letter as a way, ritually, to let go of the anger. This might even help you connect with some compassion to let your friend know she needs help.

It is important to acknowledge and process your feelings. And hopefully, someday, your friend will understand the hurt she has caused and may make amends. But while she is in the midst of a crisis it is not usually the best time to expect this.

As long as your friend hasn’t used this “fatal illness” lie to trick people into giving her money or other material support (which is legally called “fraud”), this is a very serious mental health issue. All there is left to learn is “what’s going on for this person that they would manipulate the trust of friends, family and community with such a lie?” Professional help options can be accessed through a crisis phone line, community health clinic or local hospital. You do not need to be the person who confronts your friend, but can have qualified service providers work directly with her. You may also be open to learn about possible support options for you to sort through your emotions.
Lovingly, Auntie

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