Helping others when dealing with own grief

DEAR AUNTIE
By J’net AyAy Qwa Yak Sheelth Cavanagh

Dear Auntie:
While Christmas is usually a very happy time in my family, this year we lost our father just weeks before. My sisters and I are trying to cope, but dad’s passing has Mom reeling. She actually looks scared and confused.
They had been together for 57 years. How do I help her when I’m still dealing with my own grief?

Signed,
A Heavy, Heavy Heart

Dear Heavy, Heavy Heart:
My candles were lit over the winter break for those who have passed on and will be missed forevermore. While the holidays are commercially promoted as happy moments of wishes coming true, this is often not reality.
There is grief research that suggests making alternative plans for first time holidays, anniversaries and birthdays without the ones we love who have passed away takes the stress off of going around with a business as usual attitude. Taking time to honor grief and loss that comes with memories of those who chopped our wood for us, gave us the pep talks we needed, faithful hugs, phone calls or shared jokes to make the moment feel lighter to comfort us, does not happen overnight. The losses may not always be evident once someone we love dies, as our first year without our beloved is bound to be chock full of memories.

Some families have cultural options and rituals your mom may already know about or may be willing to consider as part of her wellness plan. For example, among Nuu-chah-nulth where I am from on the West Coast of Vancouver Island, relatives will put all photos of the deceased away for a year.

Some may find comfort from their faith and seek support from the church, and grieving support groups are often available. For those who are more private, they may prefer a quiet tea and visit with family, a community support worker or another widow or widower. Our demanding adult lives will feel more chaotic seeing our parents looking scared and confused when we also need comforting from the same loss, and it will force a role reversal where we have to look out for our parent.

Being reminded of our own mortality is tender and brings up feelings of uncertainty. It is important to be gentle with each other and also vital to care for yourself. I find the first stages of grieving is like being on autopilot and living from task to task to get through each day. Keeping ourselves busy or shutting down are often the two extremes until shock of the loss wears off.

I recall one Nuu-chah-nulth granny who was teaching me how to cedar bark weave. One day about a year after her husband had died she was flopped on the couch, and a voice in her head demanded she get up and weave! And she did and found it helped her get her life back on track.

All the best as your family finds some direction and support as you work through your grief and loss.

Lovingly, Auntie

Have a question for Dear Auntie? Then please send it via email to: letters@ammsa.com

Check out Dear Auntie on facebook @ AskDearAuntie. You can read previous questions and answers or ask new questions of your own.

Editor’s Note: The Ask Auntie column is published for readers’ entertainment and consideration only. The opinions expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily endorsed by Windspeaker or the Aboriginal Multi-Media Society.