Relationship occupies the shadows of another’s marriage

Dear Auntie:
I have feelings for a married co-worker. It all started with a simple lunch, and now we’re sharing the intimate details of our lives. He understands me. I understand him. And I think he’s ready to leave his wife. I want to move forward, but I don’t want to pressure him into that decision. I don’t want to be the person who breaks up a marriage.
Signed
Waiting on the Sidelines

Dear Waiting on the Sidelines:
Being attracted to the unavailable is an emotionally messy place. The thrill and excitement of the potential that this coworker will leave his wife is full of more uncertainty and not really solid footing to begin a new relationship.

While I do not know how involved you have become with this co-worker, my read of this kind of situation, as the other person, is that you are being played and live in the shadow of this marriage.

Take a moment to be mindful of the power dynamics in motion. There is a difference between being attracted to an equal co-worker and being attracted to your boss. This detail could make both your lives more complicated down the line.

While you wait, this man carries on being dishonest with his wife, which could become a pattern of lies he will eventually, or already has begun with you. Men who abuse their power over women have many layers of secrets. People who can cheat and be dishonest with their spouses will most likely be dishonest in all relationships.  If there is any integrity in this co-worker, he will do the right thing and end his marriage.

Through my years of schooling, I have learned to love the origin of words. In this situation, the word desire comes to heart. When you look at the etymology, or origin, this word is borrowed from the Latin désoderare, meaning long for, wish for or await what is not in the stars for you.

So broken down a little more, de is the Latin prefix for “no or not” and sire is part of the Latin word sÓdere for stars that translates not in the stars. While you could wait to see what the stars bring, because what you have with your co-worker is not actually there, you could accept he is not in your stars.

With all this waiting, you are also holding yourself back from enjoying the growing intimacy you two are sharing. You are caught up in a web of lies designed to protect your co-worker. Who wins while you wait?

I read a button that said “Silence is too high a price to pay for your approval!” It helps demonstrate how held back you are waaaaaiting in the sidelines. You obviously made a connection with this unavailable co-worker. I invite you to step out of the shadow of his marriage and stand in the light to attract someone who is available and truly worthy of your companionship.
Lovingly, Auntie

Dear Auntie:
(Although by blood quantum you are not my auntie, I will still call you auntie, although I may find out soon that you are a relative.)

I am having a serious crisis that involves my personal belief system, and, uh, well, I guess my belief system. I am trying my hardest to be true to myself. I sent my child to a provincial school and she is an Indigenous girl. It is her first experience in a provincial school system. There was much thought involved in this decision, but for the most part it was her choice. I supported her.

I am a teacher in the First Nation school system, and because of my strong beliefs and values regarding Indigenous epistemology I have always said that this is where my children would be educated. I am an activist in the voice of Indigenous youth, and the western paradigms that are within the western school of thought are plaguing me each and every day.

I feel like everything that I stand for and believe in is being put on the line by my very own decision to send my children to a provincial school. Everything that I teach my students on a daily basis about pride, identity, solidarity and activism is being counteracted by my decision to send my children to a school that assimilates them into the mainstream culture. I look around and everything seems so surreal. I feel like I don’t know what to do. Help please.

Signed,
Confused Activist and Mom

Dear Confused Activist and Mom:
Take comfort that you are not alone with misgivings about the missing Indigenous cultural content in our public school system. Over the years I have described myself to Elders as a book Indian. That is to say, most of what I learned about Indigenous history came from my years of university. We all went through the same school system and only heard about explorers, settlers and a lot about the fur trade. Not much has changed: Curricula still give a one-sided view of what happened, missing out on what is still going on because the explorers decided to stay.

This “gap” in our education system is a form of erasure. Unless schools, educators and parents proactively offer alternative curricula and cultural exchange, the education system disappears Indigenous history and experience. What you see missing in the public school system is a nationwide norm, with some alternative success stories here and there. But for the most part you are not alone in thinking our public education is inadequate.

When I first moved to Toronto with my children, my daughter was entering Grade 2 and noticed a map of the world with place names of the originating homes of all the diverse students in the school. While some place names were on the province of British Columbia, my daughter exclaimed they did not include our Nuu-chah-nulth territory. I made sure to mention this to her teacher and school principal and they have since redone the entire map with references to all the Indigenous nations in Canada.

I am glad my daughter inspired me to say something. Being involved in your child’s education through committees, boards and other volunteer efforts has been shown to increase student success (actually true for any culture). I invite you to be gentle with yourself and trust that you are making a difference in your children’s cultural upbringing. The career path you have chosen models your determination to achieve your goals and actively revive cultural identity in a way public education does not.

The report Decolonizing Our Schools may be of interest and can be found on the Aboriginal Education Centre webpage to share with your child’s teachers: www.tdsb.on.ca/_site/ViewItem.asp?siteid=185&menuid
=781&pageid=603

On a more academic level, you can keep studying and find ways to impact systemic change through your own writing and research.
Lovingly, Auntie