Spouses need to find common ground on partying kids [ column ]

DEAR AUNTIE

Dear Auntie:
My adult children who live with us party all night long and sleep most of the day. Me and their father are feeling frustrated, because we both have to get up to go to work in the morning, but we’re always tired from all the noise. We’ve tried to talk to them, but the parties continue. I even threatened to kick them out, but my husband said that’s not the Indian way, to kick your kids out. What am I to do?
Signed
Sleep-deprived

Dear Sleep-deprived:
Your level of frustration grows with each failed complaint and threat. The first step in this communication loop is to come to an understanding with your husband. Work toward agreeing on what is needed to feel more restful in your home.

When talking with a spouse about a difficult topic, find common ground, explore what options will help achieve your common goal. While it might not be traditional to “kick your kids out”, there is little that is traditional about a party lifestyle.

Supporting your family is a priority, and exhaustion puts your livelihood and health at risk.

Once you and your husband can agree rather than focus on what isn’t working, talk to the kids about mutually agreeable solutions.

As the communication loop expands it is important that your kids participate and join in coming up with solutions. Being adults, your kids should understand house-rules. Establishing (or renewing) boundaries is a way of breaking the cycle of disrespect.

No matter where the conversation goes you and your husband need to agree on a bottom-line: what you need to make the situation more liveable.

Being honest about your feelings and asking for what you need is the next step. An essential part of communicating is clarifying what people understand.

Ask open-ended questions to get more than yes and no answers –questions that invite conversation: start with What? How? When? Where? Such open questions can help the kids contribute solutions. For example: What needs to change for us to get more rest? What needs to change so we can be restful in our own home?

Once ideas are surfacing, establish a time-line and discuss consequences if the agreement is broken (e.g. start paying rent, do extra chores or pay for a cleaning service).

Most of us are rookies in raising kids. I have learned as a parent that you can “pay now or pay later” when it comes to healthy habits and positive behaviours. Take a risk: ask for what you need. One elder once told me that everyone in the family is responsible for harmony; no one is only a peacekeeper or referee—all take responsibility for living well together.
Lovingly, Auntie.

Dear Auntie:
The recent death of a good friend has triggered something in me that is hard to explain. I can’t sleep, and when I do, I wake up with nightmares. Then I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning to go to a job I really love to do. I’m on the verge of bursting into tears all the time. I keep telling myself to snap out of it, but I can’t seem to get back on track. My wife says I should talk to somebody, but I wouldn’t know what to say, because I can’t figure out why I’m struggling with this loss, more than any of the other losses my family and community have suffered through over time. Any suggestions on how to turn this around?
Signed
Confused and grieving

Dear Confused and Grieving:
Reminders of our mortality are grown-up, bittersweet reminders of how fleeting life is. This loss doesn’t need to measure up emotionally to previous losses.

The flood of emotions triggered now has challenged your capacity to express deep emotions. While crying is one way to release feelings, sweating, shivering, heel tapping, yawning, and even laughing are other common reactions.

During my counselling training a facilitator wrote “e/motion”—the slash after the ‘e’ showed that feelings must move.

There are many ways to reach out for help. Informal support could involve sharing a customary gift (tobacco, blanket and/or food) with an elder and exploring rituals and stories to make peace with our grief.

A band office, health clinic and/or Friendship Centre are great places to find out what professional help is available. In smaller communities, you may have the option of a home visit for more privacy.

A chance to think out loud and explore wellness strategies can help you make sense of your grief.
There is nothing weak about reaching out for help. Stuffing down our feelings can cause them to surface in other forms.

Some people internalize, isolate and even self-medicate by over or under-eating. When feelings are denied some may lash out at friends and family. Over time bottled-up feelings can manifest as physical or mental illness.

If you’re lucky, you’ve had positive male role-models who demonstrate how to cope well through life’s challenging times. Lacking role-models, reaching out is all-the-more vital to finding new ways to cope through difficult times.
I remember visiting one granny who lost her son. Each visit his room was more empty. She eventually re-painted and finally turned it into her sewing room.

During one visit I brought her a roll of paper (and different types and colours of pens) to write a looooooong letter to her late son. I explained she could write anything she needed to say to her boy, even draw or add magazine pictures.

I offered to help her burn the letter and send her words to the spirit-world. I later learned she didn’t wait for my return, but added the letter to yard waste she was burning.

She’d had a good cry writing until she got a cramp. Perhaps you might like to do some writing to those you have lost to sort through your e/motions.
Lovingly, Auntie.