Trust. Integrity. Reputation.
September - 2007
Giving the PM a helping handWindspeaker Editorial
Dear Prime Minister Harper:
We know you're busy, what with running all the ministries and getting the Mounties to throw the media out of that Charlottetown hotel where the federal government's summer caucus was being held and making sure that nobody says anything that you don't want them to say and all. So we decided that must be why you haven't apologized to the Indigenous people in this country for all the bad things Canada has done to them. You just don't have the time. There's just so much to do!
So we decided to write the apology for you, to save you a little time. Heck, maybe you can even take in a period or two of a hockey game with the hour or so this frees up. If so, you're welcome. It's our pleasure.
Think of this as sort of a "modern day treaty" if you want. Just sign here, at the bottom, where it says "Steve." We've written it in Mohawk, by the way. But don't let that worry you. You trust us, don't you? Come on. Just sign. Be reassured that Canada's highest court has ruled that, since it's not in your language, in the event of a disagreement the deal would have to be interpreted broadly in your favour. And we don't have billions and billions of dollars to blow on lawyers that could find a way around the spirit of our part of the arrangement. What have you got to lose?
You don't want to sign something in a language you don't understand? Yes, we can see where that might be wise. And it's nice to have that choice, isn't it?
So here it is. Remember: just skip down to the bottom and affix your signature thereto. And then go and have a little fun. You've earned it.Dear Indians,
I, Stephen, PM of Canada, just recently stopped daydreaming about disemboweling Garth Turner long enough to actually hear what some of you have been saying to me and, oh boy, is my face red!
Whoops, sorry. I meant to say I'm embarrassed.
You guys sure have gotten the poopie end of the stick over the years, haven't you?
Let's just start with the residential schools. Boy! When I read somewhere that quote about "have you ever heard a whole village cry" after all the kids had been dragged off to school, that almost brought a tear to my eye. Not that a big strong Christian guy like me would ever actually cry, mind you, but almost.
I wish that had never happened. I regret we have to take ownership of that bit of history. Aw heck, I don't care what the Justice lawyers say, I'm sorry it happened. Our bad, OK?
But hey, on the bright side, we didn't renege on that one Liberal promise and we did throw a couple of billion at that problem, so we can all move on now. And there's a whole bunch of non-Native lawyers who just might vote Conservative next time around, so it's a win/win, isn't it? And some of you even get a couple of bucks as well. Enjoy!
Oh, and about us trying to take away your language and culture. That probably could have been handled better, I'll grant you. We really thought it would work and there'd be none of you around to hold us accountable. Do we feel foolish!
Tell you what: Don't remind the voters how much us politicians and bureaucrats have blown trying to avoid being held accountable for that kind of thing and I'll work something out that you'll like. I promise. Shoot, I might even order the Indian Affairs guys to get First Nation administration salaries up to 1990 federal levels, if you all play ball. Talk about economic development on reserve.
And I hear your veterans still feel they got gypped. Did you know your veterans went over to Europe during the world wars and fought shoulder to shoulder with our guys but then when they came home they weren't even allowed in the legion? Wow. I don't know how that happened because everybody knows there's no racism in Canada, but a mistake was certainly made somewhere. I guess it's up to me to say sorry.
And as for all that other stuff, sincere regrets, yadda yadda, you know.
As for you Métis people, Flanagan tells me I should be about half as sorry for what happened to you, except for all that Riel stuff. Oh, and the Inuit . . . uh, you too.
Sincerely,
Steve
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