Cycle of violence can be broken

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Honouring Our Voices is the Native Counselling Services of Alberta's newest offering in the organization's on-going educational program against violence. It was released in conjunction with A Family Affair, a report on family violence.

The 34-minute video offers personal glimpses of six women who suffered abuse, and how they gained personal strength to overcome it. Their stories give insight into the vicious cycle that cripples many communities, while also giving a message of hope.

Honouring Our Voices emphasizes the first step of the process of healing and prevention - acknowledging that abuse has taken place by discussing it. The women talk candidly about their experiences, ranging from being battered by parents and later, spouses, to being sexually abused.

"He had me believing that I was useless, no good, the ugliest thing on two feet," said one well-groomed woman. So she took the beatings. Nothing was good enough for him and she was made to feel worthless. Many abused people also are too ashamed to discuss the abuse, feeling they were at fault.

Even after separating, the man continued to threaten and abuse the woman. The last time he beat her, she had him charged. The only reason she didn't go to hospital was because the didn't want to leave her three children alone.

Both her eyes were blackened, her hands and forearms were covered in bruises from trying to protect herself from his blows, and when she finally fell to the ground, he kicked her so badly, she suffered a slipped disc and could barely walk for weeks after.

Another woman recalled staying locked in her room for a week because her partner had beaten her so badly she was embarrassed to be seen.

Feeling helpless and isolated is common among victims of abuse, particularly in small communities where traditional Native values of non-confrontation have been twisted into hiding appalling secrets.

"It was like it didn't even happen. The family was stifled, there were so many rules. We weren't allowed to speak and I got the feeling it was my fault," said a young woman who had been sexually abused by an uncle. She later discovered that other family members had been abused by the same person.

"Because of the secrecy, I had to go through it. It's the secrecy that keeps this happening. Secrets is what's killing everybody."

In the Native Counselling Services of Alberta's report on violence entitled A Family Affair, author Esther Supernault highlights finding solutions through becoming aware of the roots of the problem. The report emphasizes that the healing process has to come from within and flows outward to the community.

In the section subtitled Community Repercussions From a Foreign Influence, Supernault writes that acts of violence are often denied in Native communities to keep family unit and the community above individual needs.

"Combining this behavior with the traditional value of not interfering in one another's affairs meant nobody stopped the violence or helped the victim or even talked to them about it for fear of personal reprisal (spiritual, physical, or social). Tolerance of human mistakes expanded to a bizarre degree," writes Supernault.

The legacy of emotional repression inherited in part from residential school experiences play a large part in the cycle of family violence. Isolated from their family and culture, children who grew up in residential schools never learned how to deal with their emotions or how to parent. Unresolved issues created tensions that festered until exploding in violence, against others or themselves. The violence relieved some of that tension, Supernault writes, but as people continued denying their emotions, tension would build again and the cycle of violence would continue.

Education and self-awareness are keys outlined in the report to stop the violence. The message is also heard as the women in Honouring Our Voices describe their path toward healing. One woman realized that she and her spouse were perpetuting the cycle of violence during a fight and stopped, suddenly, crying, "Wait, I've been here before,"

she said to herself. Today, both she and her spouse, as well as their children, attend individual and family counselling.

"I realized that we didn't have to act like our parents did. I found we could create different ways," she said.

And talking might be the most important method of creating that safer environment, says a counsellor.

"There are five ways to begin dealing with abuse, and that's talking, laughing, crying, singing and shouting. We have to talk together, one on one. We have to laugh together, healing can take place with laughter," said Vera Martin, counsellor and Elder.

Martin emphasized the need to do away with secrecy and come back to being able to express emotions such as sadness freely, with oneself and others.

"We have to allow the people to cry, to be able to cry without being made to feel lesser than anyone else," said Martin.

Honouring Our Voices was produced and directed by Judi Jeffrey, with Molly Chisaakay acting as assistant producer. Eileen Knott was executive producer of the video, which was produced by the NCSA with funding from the Alberta Law Foundation.

WARNING: NSCA requests the video be used only as a resource in family violence training or treatment programs. It is not for public viewing where there is no follow-up to debrief the powerful emotions the film evokes for those in similar situations.