Returning to abuser not the right solution

Page 12

The following stories (on this page and page 16) are written by women who have left an abusive situation and are working towards building a new life for themselves and their children. The names have been withheld for safety reasons.

Where my abusers failed to destroy my self-esteem and faith in humanity, other people in our society succeeded. Before he ever physically assaulted me, I endured a few months of pretty intense verbal and emotional abuse. When these didn't work very well, my abuser tried other tactics such as intercepting my mail and tying up the telephone by connecting it to his computer, so I would be isolated from the outside world. I had enough self-esteem to know that he had a serious problem and I didn't deserve this, so

I decided to leave.

When my abuser found out I was looking for a place to live, he put me through a whole weekend of torment, following me around the house with constant verbal abuse and threats and he wouldn't let me out of his sight. But about midnight Sunday the abuse got physical. The verbal abuse continued till he finally fell asleep around 4 a.m. and I called 911. I thought my living hell was over but it wasn't.

The police didn't want to lay a charge, and told me the shelters were full. After pulling my kids out of bed and packing bare necessities into a garbage bag, the police dropped us off at a coffee shop, even though I told them I was new in the city, had no place to go, and only had $5.

In my search for answers to what I could do for myself, I was told if I wanted to lay a charge myself, I had six months to do so. But I was also told in order to get back some of my possessions that my abuser had kept, I either had to prove they were mine or negotiate with my abuser and see if he would be nice enough to give them back. I slept on a floor for a while and did without necessities most people take for granted. I tried to negotiate with him but it didn't work and once he knew where I was, he wouldn't leave me alone. I went back to him because it was easier and maybe because I started to believe the messages I was getting from those I asked to help. Their actions and answers told me that what happened to me was no big deal, that I should try again to get along with him, and that my kids and I didn't deserve any better.

I didn't stay long and the second time I left I found more caring and considerate people to help. Counsellors at the women's shelter gave me some tips and when I left again, without the police, they had room for us. A brave volunteer came with me on my police escort to get personal belongings and make sure I didn't forget anything. One of the police officers made a couple of small gestures that meant a lot to me. He saw some of my son's stuffed toys laying around the living room and said, "Don't forget these," as he picked them up and put them in a box I was carrying. At least he thought my kids were important. And his parting words were, "Don't go back."

I already knew I wouldn't but those words at least told me that some of the police force do care. I also found out about a moving company that wasn't afraid to go into my abuser's home to take out my possessions without my even being there. Eighteen months later, I no longer assume that the law or the police will protect me and I want the public to stop assuming that and wondering why battered women return to the abuser. On the other hand, any battered woman who has been let down by the system should not give up either. Some people out there care. They're just not always easy to find. Keep trying.