Washing away the years, with gentle tears...

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Ken is a young man who has just tested positive for HIV, the virus which can lead to full-blown AIDS. He is the first Native person in Edmonton to be diagnosed with the virus. There are his thoughts and feelings about his life and what he expects will happen to him.

On December 29,1989 my doctor informed me that I have six months to 10 years to live...I was tested for HIV positive.

I've got this, I'm going to die!!!

I panicked, I cried quietly at times when I informed my brother and sister. I told my mother that it was something else. I didn't want to make the blow any more harder for her to take.

When I was watching Dick Clark's New Year's Eve, I thought to myself: what a New Year's Eve present.

What does one look forward to in the new year with this in my mind and heart?

Having to deal with losing someone from the family and attending another funeral of a friend who has served our community/reserve, I thought of this lady who was a beautiful person and really was genuine in caring for the Native people of this community.

It wasn't fair as I thought of her leaving. And then I thought of myself again.

Since I was 15 and to this date, I have always believed in helping others. Most of my life was caring and understanding in helping those who needed help such as the mentally handicapped, senior citizens, the physically-handicapped to group homes and, finally, youth working in recreation at my community.

I remember someone saying to me: "You have spent your life taking care of others. It's time that you take care of yourself."

This was in 1987. perhaps, then, it was a warning that I ignored. Now reality is here and I have no alternative to take that voice from the past to put into use now.

My life in the last five years was not promiscuous, nor was I a constant party person. When I was younger in my late teens, early twenties I was into the night-life, drugs, sex and rock and roll.

I overdosed once, nearly taking my life away. You would think of these warnings as a clear message but ignorance on my part has now left me to deal with the reality of today.

Since the funeral, I was told to go to the hospital that afternoon. I was to be treated for an infection and there I remained until Jan. 12, 1990.

I experienced many feelings, a lot about the fear of dying, what is the pain I will encounter and the loneliness. The nurses tell me that these feelings should be taken care of.

Otherwise, with the stress, I can be weakened and it can take its toll on me. I would like to mention that acceptance by others is very important to those like myself from professionals. It helps the patient out a lot.

The station at the west-end hospital deserves a lot of recognition. The individuals were not masked, head to toe, armor suit and all.

Please, I ask of you -- the readers -- that AIDS is not taken by shaking hands or sneezing. Read up on this.

I found out that I was the first recorded Native to be tested for HIV by an organization who works with HIV and AIDS (patients).

At first, I thought sarcastically to myself that I've done something to be the first.

I thought more about it. Well, I can use this a positive way. By writing to you was my way of helping me in dealing with the issue and also informing the Native community of how one feels of being handed out the reality of life and death.

I'm also writing to help create an understanding of one who can feel the pain, fear and loneliness and as a Native and one human being who has helped many people in my life.

I ask that you remember that of my tasks which I have done for you, that caring for you or someone you know, I ask in return if by chance you know who I am, I am not the elephant man nor am I a threat to society.

All I ask is my dignity to be left with whatever time I have to enjoy what the Great Spirit has given to us by what nature is left on Mother Earth.

Sympathy encourages life.

I would ask that the battle of the bottle is old news. 1990 if or those who ae junkies, gay or bisexual.

I get angry that I hear that you have a choice...that is, to live...I don't. I dread to imagine seeing in my dreams, band members cranking up with one needle.

Will this begin to eliminate part of a nation?

At the present, I am taping my thoughts and perhaps one day a book will be processed. Perhaps getting active with an agency, this way when I leave, I would like to leave knowing I have continued my tradition of caring for others as a finale.

I haven't written about what my family is going through, or what impact my community has felt.

Also I will be locking horns with Indian Affairs for where I will get money to pay for my residence. At this point in time, I am incapable of working due to the hospital stays and taking time to deal with myself emotionally.

Spirituality and culture are my best allies and this experience has become a new force in me.

Now I must "wash away the years with gentle tears" and live for what time I have.

I ask only is prayers and I thank the Windspeaker for voicing my feelings, and concerns of myself and others.

To my family and community band members. I really did love this community!

To close ia a quote I thought of when I was in the hospital.

"Traveling hundreds of miles to get away from home

It doesn't work."

"Having HIV and only 15-20 miles away is like thousands of miles apart

And now I am alone."

Sincerely,

Ken Ward