When in doubt, call Drew

Page 9

When I first read the job description for the position of Artistic Director of Native Earth Performing Arts, Toronto's only professional Native theatre company, I don't remember coming across any paragraph or subsection anywhere on the page requiring me to become the "Oracle of Aboriginal Trivia."

On any given day, questions of an unusual nature are posed to me and the other intelligent, though often puzzled, members of the office. The number of times, within our office, I've seen heads, with telephones attached, shaking in amazement, makes me wonder about the logical processes of people's minds.

We are a theatre company. That is what we do. We produce plays by and about Native people. Check it out. It's our mandate. We'll FAX it to you if you don't believe us.

The majority of the questions Bell Canada sends our way are not within our realm of expertise.

While one of our functions as a theatre company is to educate the public, that does not mean one at a time, about obscure issues, while our other work waits. We have lives too, you know.

Our beleaguered office staff has put together a collection of some of the more . . . interesting . . . inquiries to come through our office in recent months. Here is a sampling.

"I'm trying to find Sam Ke-something-or-other. I really don't know how to pronounce his last name. Do you know where I can find him?" Or "I'm trying to locate a Bob Whitecloud of the Sioux Tribe in the states. I heard he might be in Canada. Can you tell me how to get in touch with him?"

It's a little known fact that Native Earth Performing Arts is the central focal point for all Native people in North America.

The one million or so people claiming some sort of Aboriginal ancestry all pass through our doors at one time or another. That's why we have to replace our carpets at least four times a year.

"Do all the seats face the stage?"

I guess you can call us slave to conformity. We did try having the seats face the back of the theatre, but the audience reaction, shall we say, was not too favorable.

"Hi, I'm wondering if you can help me. I'm trying to locate an Apache Wedding Prayer."

I checked. Sorry, no Apaches in our office, married or not. I did, however, manage to find a Mohawk secret handshake.

"I'm with a casting company for a movie. I'm looking for a Native man, tall and lean with long dark hair and presence.

Preferably he's in his early 30's. Oh yes, he has to look striking.

Yeah, most of the women in my office are looking for him too. What do you want me to do about it." The line starts behind them.

"I'm phoning from Edinburgh, Scotland. I'm doing research on Native people in the 1930's. Can you send me the information?"

There were none. I have it on good authority all Native people were killed in the late 1800's.

But in the latter part of this century, due to an over abundance of bureaucrats in Ottawa, the federal government decided to create a new department to employ these people.

So the Department of Indian Affairs was created with no Indians.

Through secret DNA experiments, a new race of Native people were created at a clandestine location known as . . . Algonquin Park.

"I'm Herman--, from Germany. I'm looking for people of the Bear clan. My last name means bear in German. Do you know any or can you help me find the Bear clan?"

Sorry, we have yet to update our data base and cross reference our membership actors, directors, stage managers and others by clan affiliation. We're waiting for Windows to come out with the right software.

"We're an organization of men against men who commit violence against women. We want to know if you guys could provide any ceremonies or spiritual things of that nature that would help us with healing and matters like that."

While that is a noble cause, we are not "Ceremonies 'R Us" or "Have medicine pouch will travel."

"Do you know where I can get my hands on some Inuit throat singers?"

As a Native organization, we do not condone violence aganst Inuit.

In all fairness and honesty, we do try to be as polite and helpful as possible, and pass callers on to the appropriate organizations.

But we are in the business of making art, not being a Native Trivial Pursuit game. It makes me wonder if the Mirvishes ever get calls asking:

"There's this Jewish song I keep hearing. Hava-something. You wouldn't happen to know the full title and who sang it would you?"