White half not all bad

Page 7

I am someone of mixed blood, half Native (Ojibway to be specific) and half white. And as a professional writer, I've often explored both worlds, comparing and challenging. But it has come to my attention that more often than not, I have looked more favorably upon the Native side of my life. I have, in various writings, listed pro-Native and anti-Caucasian sentiments.

Well, on retrospect, I believe that to be unfair and downright rude, too. Shame on me. So now, I would like to rectify that unfair analysis by taking a little bit about what I don't like about being Native, and what I do like about being part white. I am an equal opportunity criticizer and complementor.

Well, first of all, the number one thing I hate about being Native is all those damn sunrise ceremonies my people seem so fond of. After you've gotten up just before dawn for the first time and hit your shin on the coffee table in the dark, the novelty wears off mighty quick. What's wrong with sunset ceremonies? That's more my speed, I'm usually up by then.

One thing I do like about the white world is the amazing and varied levels of creativity that have appeared throughout history, and the drive such people have. The western civilization boasts such minds as Tolstoy, Galileo, DaVinci, Einstein, Edison, the guy who developed the Married With Children television series (OK, that one is debatable). I mean this is a race of people who spent billions and billions of dollars to go all the way to the moon for a bag of rocks. That is hard-core souvenir shopping. You just gotta admire dogged determination like that.

I hate the caloric intake it requires to be Native, I saw an article once in a Native newspaper called How to Survive a Typical Pow Wow on 10,000 Calories a Day. Between the Indian hamburgers/buffalo burgers, etc., I mean I'm getting a sugar rush just writing this. It seems that since I've reached my 30s, numerically my age and waist seem to be keeping pace. I hope I don't live to be a hundred.

I love the Canadian government but not for the reason you think: I think they're great for a laugh. I'm sorry but they amuse me. I mean just look at some of these government departments. For instance, the Department of Indian Affairs. I used to work there a million years ago as a summer student and believe me, in all my time there, I never found any Indian in the department I wanted to have an affair with.

Same with the Department of Defense, never met anyone there I wanted to defend. Same with Communications (no one there seems to want to communicate) and let's not forget The National Film Board of Canada, I've gone in there a million times trying to get my film developed.

I hate what is affectionately known as the Moccasin Telegraph, the gossip line of the Native community and it works, it works too well. I meet a pretty girl in Medicine Hat, word has it in the Maritimes the next day I'm married with four kids. A couple days later I'm back home in Toronto, word on the street has it I'm being sued for child support. I hate it when that happens.

Let's see. I love Michelle Pfeifer. Need I say more. And strictly for her talent. Really. I mean it.

And of course I hate the nepotism that exists in some band offices unless naturally some of my relatives are employed, then it's OK. I also hate skinning animals, even way back in biology class. And I have a real problem with, of course, the yearly migration of anthropologists, archaeologists, sociologists, and the occasional journalist all wanting to document the lifestyle of Native people. Boy, these people need a life.

On the white side, to be brief, I couldn't live without good Italian wine, incredibly quick air travel, (I hate waiting), and air conditioning. Especially air conditioning. I'm told there's nothing worse than a sweaty Native writer.

So there you have it. It's enough to make you want to turn in you status card and apply for a brand new Reform Party Membership.